excitement: momma's coming to symposium!!!!!

unsureness: graduation???

happiness: potential summer goodness in the BAY

frustration/reflection (here goes):
in her poem, release, kelly says that love is not something to be possessed. i think she is right. to possess something is to take claim on it and power over it. it is like building a fence around it and being the guard saying who else can pass through its gate. i mean what is love if it is not shared? what is inspiration without another person to live in it with you? inspiration cannot function in isolation. and what of joy? There are things that i love and that have inspired me but i feel like i am not allowed entrance because someone else has claimed them and deemed me unworthy. I know that this is an internal battle but it has become as much as an external struggle as an internal one. because as much as i seek self-validation, i still have the desire for others to believe me. and for people i have yet to meet, meet ME not someone else's conception of me. i mean first impressions are important and i just want to be able to make my own. if people are going to judge me then let them judge ME. the part that gets me heated is the fact that i feel like the foundation of these walls has not been laid by me. most of this isn't even about me but about people's personal insecurities and internal battles. i just want people to say what they mean and mean what they say. more forced silence to be broken with voice, i guess, but no body wants to talk. as much as people talk about, literally give workshops and speeches about, solidarity, love etc they only seem to be able "apply" them to "community." but the community is us, it's individuals! so, as it is written and has been said a million times before, it must start with us, our everyday. why do you think we are all writing about the everyday??? that's what we live! ok, rant ends here. solution(s): live anyways. walk through walls. give people the benefit of the doubt.

hmmm: kelly also said that love, like everything else, it is temporary.traci said that love is everywhere and is everything. i think they are both right. the potential of love is in everything and that everything, is temporary. the temporariness (is that even a word?) of instances of loving has to be temporary so we can move on and love again. it is not fair (as my mom always used to say, life isn't fair and my response was always, "but we should try and make it as fair as possible then!") that only one thing/person/cause etc receive love and passion. thus it is temporary so that energy can be shared with other things/people etc. while a problematic movie, i remember a line from troy that seems relevant. achilles says that the gods envy humans because of our mortality. it is the in the certainty of death that humans live. we live in fleeting moments and thus find pleasure in the now because we know it will not last. Remembering that things are temporary allows us to live in the moment and move on when we have to. everything is fleeting and that is why we try so desperately to hold on. if it wasn't fleeting then there would be no joy in it.

deep breath: to moving and to joy.