the city on my face

sf part II (i'll do part I later, promise)
1. YAY for a day of public transit, pedestrianism, and for once not getting lost while being in charge of navigation!!!

2. the sf moma was fun but i got modern/contemporary arted out after one floor. surprised that i recognized as many artists as i did, thanks mr. jordan and elementary school art class!

3. gotta love chinatown hole in the wall restaurants that let you order off menu and give you soup even though it's not lunch time.

4. citylights bookstore is as awesome as i remember, i've never found every writer i was looking for in one bookstore before. as always i left with no money and a looooooong book wish list. they should really add a sizable used book section and book lending program since it's a "people's bookstore."

5. bought a book teaching to transgress by bell hooks for my sister and after reading the intro i wanna keep it. is it bad to not give someone a gift and discuss it with them if they don't know you bought it for them in the first place? anyways, some of the things i like so far: "learning as revolution," "ecstasy- pleasure and danger," knowing that someone else felt tracked to be a teacher and resisted, the fact that she dedicates a whole chapter to freire and opens with a quote from him and he reviewed her book with pure praise, and she dedicates the book to beginning again. i'm only 5 pages in.

"...to begin always anew, to make, to reconstruct, and to not spoil, to refuse to bereaucratize the mind, to understand and live life as a process- live to become..." - Paolo Freire (italics added)

finally

a good december

decembers have always been good to me. xmas was always complete family time: xmas eve with dad's side sometimes lacking a tree if my crazy auntie was hosting but always good food and family, xmas morning with the immediate family- constantly comparing gifts with my sister, and xmas dinner/night with mom's side- more recently with a bunch of little kiddies runnin around. then december became a month of anniversaries to add to the joyous season. anniversaries that were celebrated until this december. this was supposed to be the hardest month to get through with dead anniversaries and new reunions. but it has turned out to be one that i will always remember with a smile and nostalgic tears. this is all thanks to the homies who got me out and listened when we were in and the family who were always a quiet support offering up excuses to get me out of potential situations where an out might be needed. it has become a month of validation by everyone in my life, even those only there for fleeting moments and from the moments of little cousins fighting to sit in my lap and wanting me to be the only one to help open presents and relatives wanting me to sign my photos.
last night 5 years ago i stayed up all night talking on the phone at the cusp of a love i no longer have and thus i believed the ugliness of grief would squeeze sorrow from my eyes 5 years later. but instead i stayed up until the wee hours of the morning with old friends with the rain as the only water falling. today i anticipated brought in with tears and loneliness and instead it has begun with a late night/early morning phone call with a much loved and beautiful friend. i can't wait for the sun to rise (even if it is hidden by some much needed rain clouds) today. it is going to be a good day. it is a good december.

soup, bread, and water cups

a lot has changed in a week.
a lot has stayed the same.
still bruised but not broken and learning to live without.
still tears in the car but fewer and far between.

i am composing a new playlist for life right now.
i'm happy the other has run its course for now.

i left smiling, content in our awkwardness.
or maybe just mine.
i can't give what i used to and that's ok.
maybe i will be able to again one day.
maybe then we won't be strangers that meet up one day for coffee with nothing to say.

few tears, not mine.
the excuse of water to hide them.
truths learned.
controlled and fluid bitterness and joy.

my happiness is still contingent on something outside of me.

this really is my becomings.

wins

old friends and foes, new friends made. no drama. laughing until my face hurts. heartland scramble WITH pancakes. i win. no one loses. :)

today is the day. i dunno what to feel. i hope it's another win where no one loses. breathe. it is everything we are looking for.

thank you letter

i have so many reasons to love life, even with the unfamiliar pain that has entered it recently. or maybe because of the pain that has surfaced. i've written thank you letters to love and to the loved, thanking them for everything they have given me. i think now i want to write a love letter to life. i don't know what to say exactly yet but hopefully words will compose themselves as they see fit in the near future. i guess for now i just have another thank you letter. thank you friends for witty repartee, keeping me humble, giving me reason to smile,just being there, listening, and literally/figuratively pushing me into my insecurities. thank you home for being here even though i've been away more than i've been here. thank you the bay for giving me another reason to love you. thank you san jose for not swallowing my car into lost oblivion- even though i accidentally ran a red light, oops. thank you mother nature for not taking out your frustration with the human race on my drive back to cv- i really do appreciate that. thank you winter break for giving me time to turn my brain off for a little bit. thank you familia for still being here despite my neglect of you. o and on a smaller sillier note, thank you gchat and gchatrooms.

over

say goodbye- chris brown
diary- alicia keys
it's over- jesse mccartney
i hate this part right here- the pussycat dolls
big girls don't cry- fergie
forever- ben harper
chasing pavements- adele
brown eyed blues- adrian hood
burn- usher
ps i'm still not over you- rihanna
hate that i love you- rihanna/neyo
officially missing you- tamia
everybody knows- john legend

all the king's horses- joss stone
right as rain- adele
bruised but not broken- joss stone
energy- keri hilson
the time of my life- david cook
first love- adele
listen- beyonce
best of me- chrisette michele
Goodbye- alicia keys
be ok- chrisette keys
better in time- leona lewis
one step at a time- jordin sparks
dear prudence- across the universe
superwoman- alicia key
the heart of the matter- india arie

4 cd day
thanks joss stone for getting me through the day