to have just found space and community upon departure- a constant theme in my late bloomer life...
thanks:
michelle
gayle
jenny
for remembering me, opening up homes for the future, invites and encouragement
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
blue scholars' lyrical rotations in my westward turned head
Everybody get hurt, everybody cries
Everybody falls down, and not everybody rise
Not everybody talks, but everybody lies
Not everybody lives, but everybody dies
"You might have owed me cash
Or put my shit on blast
Or talked behind my back
But I still got love
You never held me close
When I needed it most
How can I call you my folks
When you ain't got no love?
You might have owed me cash
Or put my shit on blast
Or talked behind my back
And I still got love
You never held me close
When I needed it most
How can I call you my folks
When you ain't got no love?"
"it seems that we never get paid what our labor is worth"
"We both
Two people seeking
solace and remembrance...
Eyes up to the sky, she sighs, I need nobody
True indeed, sister, but you still need everybody because
We hardly know ourselves if we know nobody else
And only in our loneliness can home become a hell
Exhale...
And hatred
Is the cancer born _ of love's absence
And the absence is the void left from missing every chance to
Challenge our fates and perhaps our very names"
i want an "ordinary guy" and a lil kelly tsai (mmhmmm some real womyn)
"always find time to get love and give it right back"
Everybody falls down, and not everybody rise
Not everybody talks, but everybody lies
Not everybody lives, but everybody dies
"You might have owed me cash
Or put my shit on blast
Or talked behind my back
But I still got love
You never held me close
When I needed it most
How can I call you my folks
When you ain't got no love?
You might have owed me cash
Or put my shit on blast
Or talked behind my back
And I still got love
You never held me close
When I needed it most
How can I call you my folks
When you ain't got no love?"
"it seems that we never get paid what our labor is worth"
"We both
Two people seeking
solace and remembrance...
Eyes up to the sky, she sighs, I need nobody
True indeed, sister, but you still need everybody because
We hardly know ourselves if we know nobody else
And only in our loneliness can home become a hell
Exhale...
And hatred
Is the cancer born _ of love's absence
And the absence is the void left from missing every chance to
Challenge our fates and perhaps our very names"
i want an "ordinary guy" and a lil kelly tsai (mmhmmm some real womyn)
"always find time to get love and give it right back"
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
james nachtwey
i'm unsure of the actual title but the one on the website i got it from says, "punishment post on the chain gang." i know it's part of his series on the alabama chain gang from 1995, entitled "crime and punishment"
james nachtwey is a reknowned war photographer and photojournalist. i was looking through his work and find it very powerful. he shoots mostly in black and white and has covered famines in africa, war zones in afghanistan, bosnia, kosovo, and chechnya, aids in africa, survivors and victims of agent orange, and war vets, to name a few. as a photojournalist his goal is not for his work to be displayed in huge art galleries but in magazines and newspapers so that the "masses" can see them. an article written about him said that there are two kinds of war photographers, those who become cynical and those that become holy; it named him one of the latter. this article also said that unlike other photographers, he helps as wherever possible; he doesn't just take photos of human suffering and then leave. this same article raised a question: how should war be portrayed? this question made me think of more questions: how does a photographer navigate the power at work when taking photographs of people? for instance, nachtwey was an American photographer taking photographs of afghani people living day to day under the taliban, which the U.S. was instrumental in training and arming or the fact that he was a white man taking photographs of mostly black men on the alabama chain gang. do the the subjects of the photographs have agency? is it exploitative? are the photos "stolen"? there is so much power in photos because often times photos are interpreted as "truth" and can elicit transformative emotions. i guess that just like with writing, the motive or goal behind the photography is important. the article about nachtwey i referenced before said that war photographers were either cynical or holy, are those the only two options? come on now let's step outside binaries. if the goal is to save people or to shape that mentality in the minds of the viewers of the photography, then the agency of the subjects is lost, they become perpetual victims. and if a photographer is a cynic, doesn't life's passion get lost somewhere? is it possible then to be a documentary photographer or photojournalist and shoot a photo of someone where the photographer has more power than the subject and have it not be exploitive?
ref: http://klar999.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!7149D903D612B164!671.entry
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I'M PDF-ED!!!!!!!
i just emailed in my honors thesis and am currently printing out the hard copy of the PDF!!!!! I'M IN PDF!!
i am officially done with my undergraduate degree on the ucsd campus. once i turn these 66 pages in, my ethnic studies degree is complete. i dunno what to do with my self. i am simultaneously overwhelmed and, in the words of 10 things i hate about you, underwhelmed. i can't believe i finished it. it was like another person that was in my life this year and in under an hour, she will be gone, done. so many sleepless nights, restless days, tears and stress have been dedicated to her and now she is all grown up!! aiya! she's like my child or something!! i feel validated. i think i finally did something for myself. i really don't have any more words save two, pure joy.
i am officially done with my undergraduate degree on the ucsd campus. once i turn these 66 pages in, my ethnic studies degree is complete. i dunno what to do with my self. i am simultaneously overwhelmed and, in the words of 10 things i hate about you, underwhelmed. i can't believe i finished it. it was like another person that was in my life this year and in under an hour, she will be gone, done. so many sleepless nights, restless days, tears and stress have been dedicated to her and now she is all grown up!! aiya! she's like my child or something!! i feel validated. i think i finally did something for myself. i really don't have any more words save two, pure joy.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
past week in stati messages...maybe i should get a twitter...
6/1/09-6/2/09
"I often find it easier to be teaching or giving to others, and often struggle with the place of my own pleasure and joy." thanks murray
6/3/2009
presenting my thesis at the ETHN honors symposium from 2-4 @the CCC today!! = excited/nervous
6/4/09
HAPPY :D
6/5/09
had to be on campus, it's my last friday as an undergrad!
6/6/09
o college, how i will miss thee...
dum dee dum dum one down
6/7/09
purple, phil's, papers, and paint
murray kong's new motto, "why not" (for her slip of the tongue)
6/8/09
dum dee dum dum 2 down thesis to go
side effect of purple hair: purple keyboard...uh oh
reading your own lit review is the most boring thing in the world
6/9/09
dum dee dum dum 2 down; 29/55 and then the biblio
6/10/09
3:21am
HEARTATTACK!! CRISIS EVADED!! almost lost my THESIS!! AHHHHH!!!!!!13 hours to go...thank you study buddies for saving my undergraduate career!!
11:09am
freedom is so near...
2:56pm
I AM IN PDF!!! I AM DONE WITH MY UNDERGRADUATE CAREER!!!!!!!!! wtf do i do now?
*sigh everything is coming full circle and that means that it's not ending, cuz a circle has no end
"I often find it easier to be teaching or giving to others, and often struggle with the place of my own pleasure and joy." thanks murray
6/3/2009
presenting my thesis at the ETHN honors symposium from 2-4 @the CCC today!! = excited/nervous
6/4/09
HAPPY :D
6/5/09
had to be on campus, it's my last friday as an undergrad!
6/6/09
o college, how i will miss thee...
dum dee dum dum one down
6/7/09
purple, phil's, papers, and paint
murray kong's new motto, "why not" (for her slip of the tongue)
6/8/09
dum dee dum dum 2 down thesis to go
side effect of purple hair: purple keyboard...uh oh
reading your own lit review is the most boring thing in the world
6/9/09
dum dee dum dum 2 down; 29/55 and then the biblio
6/10/09
3:21am
HEARTATTACK!! CRISIS EVADED!! almost lost my THESIS!! AHHHHH!!!!!!13 hours to go...thank you study buddies for saving my undergraduate career!!
11:09am
freedom is so near...
2:56pm
I AM IN PDF!!! I AM DONE WITH MY UNDERGRADUATE CAREER!!!!!!!!! wtf do i do now?
*sigh everything is coming full circle and that means that it's not ending, cuz a circle has no end
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
R.I.P. ronald takaki
i feel like the past few months Asian/Am blogs have been filled with tributes to Asian/Am activists and community leaders who have passed away: richard aoki, manong al robles... until today, most of them were people i knew little about, unfortunately, and it was in their death that i learned about their life. it is true that in death there is life and in life there is death.
hearing about the passing of ronald takaki hit me in a different way. right away i felt the need to email my parents and my sister about it. he is such as HUGE figure in Asian/Am scholarship and ethnic studies. i mean we were just reading his work in one of my classes. i wrote about his work in my midterm. one of the things that really got to me was how close my parents were to him. not like in they were like this (crosses fingers) or anything but just that they attended uc berkeley when he taught there and when contemporary asian am studies was in its infancy. my dad took a course with him and remembers him fondly: "He was a very classic scholarly professor. He was a pioneer in ethnic studies and he along w/ another professor gave the CAASn credibility when it was so new." also i remember my mom telling me about when she met his wife in an elevator at alta bates where my gma was for a while, how she said that mrs. takaki was really nice. i dunno where i'm going with this really but i thought i should write it down since i haven't been writing much of anything else but the thesis. so much for documenting my last few weeks at ucsd....
hearing about the passing of ronald takaki hit me in a different way. right away i felt the need to email my parents and my sister about it. he is such as HUGE figure in Asian/Am scholarship and ethnic studies. i mean we were just reading his work in one of my classes. i wrote about his work in my midterm. one of the things that really got to me was how close my parents were to him. not like in they were like this (crosses fingers) or anything but just that they attended uc berkeley when he taught there and when contemporary asian am studies was in its infancy. my dad took a course with him and remembers him fondly: "He was a very classic scholarly professor. He was a pioneer in ethnic studies and he along w/ another professor gave the CAASn credibility when it was so new." also i remember my mom telling me about when she met his wife in an elevator at alta bates where my gma was for a while, how she said that mrs. takaki was really nice. i dunno where i'm going with this really but i thought i should write it down since i haven't been writing much of anything else but the thesis. so much for documenting my last few weeks at ucsd....
Friday, May 22, 2009
excitement: momma's coming to symposium!!!!!
unsureness: graduation???
happiness: potential summer goodness in the BAY
frustration/reflection (here goes):
in her poem, release, kelly says that love is not something to be possessed. i think she is right. to possess something is to take claim on it and power over it. it is like building a fence around it and being the guard saying who else can pass through its gate. i mean what is love if it is not shared? what is inspiration without another person to live in it with you? inspiration cannot function in isolation. and what of joy? There are things that i love and that have inspired me but i feel like i am not allowed entrance because someone else has claimed them and deemed me unworthy. I know that this is an internal battle but it has become as much as an external struggle as an internal one. because as much as i seek self-validation, i still have the desire for others to believe me. and for people i have yet to meet, meet ME not someone else's conception of me. i mean first impressions are important and i just want to be able to make my own. if people are going to judge me then let them judge ME. the part that gets me heated is the fact that i feel like the foundation of these walls has not been laid by me. most of this isn't even about me but about people's personal insecurities and internal battles. i just want people to say what they mean and mean what they say. more forced silence to be broken with voice, i guess, but no body wants to talk. as much as people talk about, literally give workshops and speeches about, solidarity, love etc they only seem to be able "apply" them to "community." but the community is us, it's individuals! so, as it is written and has been said a million times before, it must start with us, our everyday. why do you think we are all writing about the everyday??? that's what we live! ok, rant ends here. solution(s): live anyways. walk through walls. give people the benefit of the doubt.
hmmm: kelly also said that love, like everything else, it is temporary.traci said that love is everywhere and is everything. i think they are both right. the potential of love is in everything and that everything, is temporary. the temporariness (is that even a word?) of instances of loving has to be temporary so we can move on and love again. it is not fair (as my mom always used to say, life isn't fair and my response was always, "but we should try and make it as fair as possible then!") that only one thing/person/cause etc receive love and passion. thus it is temporary so that energy can be shared with other things/people etc. while a problematic movie, i remember a line from troy that seems relevant. achilles says that the gods envy humans because of our mortality. it is the in the certainty of death that humans live. we live in fleeting moments and thus find pleasure in the now because we know it will not last. Remembering that things are temporary allows us to live in the moment and move on when we have to. everything is fleeting and that is why we try so desperately to hold on. if it wasn't fleeting then there would be no joy in it.
deep breath: to moving and to joy.
unsureness: graduation???
happiness: potential summer goodness in the BAY
frustration/reflection (here goes):
in her poem, release, kelly says that love is not something to be possessed. i think she is right. to possess something is to take claim on it and power over it. it is like building a fence around it and being the guard saying who else can pass through its gate. i mean what is love if it is not shared? what is inspiration without another person to live in it with you? inspiration cannot function in isolation. and what of joy? There are things that i love and that have inspired me but i feel like i am not allowed entrance because someone else has claimed them and deemed me unworthy. I know that this is an internal battle but it has become as much as an external struggle as an internal one. because as much as i seek self-validation, i still have the desire for others to believe me. and for people i have yet to meet, meet ME not someone else's conception of me. i mean first impressions are important and i just want to be able to make my own. if people are going to judge me then let them judge ME. the part that gets me heated is the fact that i feel like the foundation of these walls has not been laid by me. most of this isn't even about me but about people's personal insecurities and internal battles. i just want people to say what they mean and mean what they say. more forced silence to be broken with voice, i guess, but no body wants to talk. as much as people talk about, literally give workshops and speeches about, solidarity, love etc they only seem to be able "apply" them to "community." but the community is us, it's individuals! so, as it is written and has been said a million times before, it must start with us, our everyday. why do you think we are all writing about the everyday??? that's what we live! ok, rant ends here. solution(s): live anyways. walk through walls. give people the benefit of the doubt.
hmmm: kelly also said that love, like everything else, it is temporary.traci said that love is everywhere and is everything. i think they are both right. the potential of love is in everything and that everything, is temporary. the temporariness (is that even a word?) of instances of loving has to be temporary so we can move on and love again. it is not fair (as my mom always used to say, life isn't fair and my response was always, "but we should try and make it as fair as possible then!") that only one thing/person/cause etc receive love and passion. thus it is temporary so that energy can be shared with other things/people etc. while a problematic movie, i remember a line from troy that seems relevant. achilles says that the gods envy humans because of our mortality. it is the in the certainty of death that humans live. we live in fleeting moments and thus find pleasure in the now because we know it will not last. Remembering that things are temporary allows us to live in the moment and move on when we have to. everything is fleeting and that is why we try so desperately to hold on. if it wasn't fleeting then there would be no joy in it.
deep breath: to moving and to joy.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
on momma's day in no particular order
one: i think i lost my best friend all over again
two: i am trying to survive with living life with chronic hyper-empathy
three: i miss my momma
A Song For Mama - Boyz II Men
two: i am trying to survive with living life with chronic hyper-empathy
three: i miss my momma
A Song For Mama - Boyz II Men
Thursday, April 30, 2009
being research
speaking of foreshadowing... i just happened to be writing about doggin and girl drama for my thesis and life decides to make the words on the page more then just the realities of my interviewees and the subject of my thesis.
all the other shit about emotional writing blocks aside, i wish it were my place to say something.
all the other shit about emotional writing blocks aside, i wish it were my place to say something.
Monday, April 20, 2009
update:
STILL struggling with love
trying to find the language to legitimize something that shouldn't have to be legitimized
legitimizing love
organizational nightmare for the next 3 weeks
my readings are late
can i go outside now?
lessons:
1. i'm not very good at doing more than one thing at a time, on a small scale or a large scale
2. love languages can be manipulated
STILL struggling with love
trying to find the language to legitimize something that shouldn't have to be legitimized
legitimizing love
organizational nightmare for the next 3 weeks
my readings are late
can i go outside now?
lessons:
1. i'm not very good at doing more than one thing at a time, on a small scale or a large scale
2. love languages can be manipulated
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
ladidadida
the last few days:
maybe i'm beginning to like research...maybe...
i never woulda thought that i would not be completely dreading the writing of my thesis
(thanks for all the support via random gchat convos!! i <3 gchat)
who knew that slow jams could make up a good gym playlist?
friends seem to show up/be there when you least expect it.
alone but not lonely :)
once you know you are capable of joy you want nothing less.
i wonder how happy endorphins actually make you and how much of it is non-chemical...
playlists for sis: this too shall pass
another girl in need of a single lady ring
spring seems to be full of new life and death, maybe they really do happen at once
must drop a class...UGH
graduations approaching: flights, hotels, and anouncements...maybe monies???!!!
more lasts than firsts
i think i should start collecting exasperated expressions ex: AIYA!
3 cups of soymilk and green tea=nom nom nom
ok. green tea caffeine gone.
sleeeeeepppppp.............
maybe i'm beginning to like research...maybe...
i never woulda thought that i would not be completely dreading the writing of my thesis
(thanks for all the support via random gchat convos!! i <3 gchat)
who knew that slow jams could make up a good gym playlist?
friends seem to show up/be there when you least expect it.
alone but not lonely :)
once you know you are capable of joy you want nothing less.
i wonder how happy endorphins actually make you and how much of it is non-chemical...
playlists for sis: this too shall pass
another girl in need of a single lady ring
spring seems to be full of new life and death, maybe they really do happen at once
must drop a class...UGH
graduations approaching: flights, hotels, and anouncements...maybe monies???!!!
more lasts than firsts
i think i should start collecting exasperated expressions ex: AIYA!
3 cups of soymilk and green tea=nom nom nom
ok. green tea caffeine gone.
sleeeeeepppppp.............
Thursday, April 9, 2009
if we were friends this is what i would say
if we were friends this is what i would say to you.
remember, there are people who love you even if you sometimes don't show them love in a way they recognize or understand or don't show them any at all. they love you because they give you bonus points even if you don't give them any. and there are people who don't love you but they love the cause, the community. so ask for help. no one can do it on their own. there is no community without others and love is hard if it's only one way. no matter how much you think you are alone, you aren't. no matter how much loneliness creeps in, especially when darkness surrounds you, a hand is still held out and even though you can't see it in the darkness, feel for it, it's there. when you don;t hear from friends listen to the silence, maybe silence is the only way they can tell you something. but don't use that as an excuse not to ask for help or explain with words how you feel or what is going on to them because maybe, like you, silence's meanings evade them.
remember, to feel is to live and to feel deeply is to live freely. remember, that others feel too and yours do not take precedent over their's. emotions are not a crutch, they are enabling so instead of leaning on them use them to rise up.
there is so much that i would like to talk with you about and i know we never will. maybe we'll be friends in a different lifetime. for now, all i can do is hope that you will be ok and you will find the love you are looking for and others will recognize the love in you.
be well.
p.s. if you allow yourself to love, you have the capacity for joy. you can find joy.
remember, there are people who love you even if you sometimes don't show them love in a way they recognize or understand or don't show them any at all. they love you because they give you bonus points even if you don't give them any. and there are people who don't love you but they love the cause, the community. so ask for help. no one can do it on their own. there is no community without others and love is hard if it's only one way. no matter how much you think you are alone, you aren't. no matter how much loneliness creeps in, especially when darkness surrounds you, a hand is still held out and even though you can't see it in the darkness, feel for it, it's there. when you don;t hear from friends listen to the silence, maybe silence is the only way they can tell you something. but don't use that as an excuse not to ask for help or explain with words how you feel or what is going on to them because maybe, like you, silence's meanings evade them.
remember, to feel is to live and to feel deeply is to live freely. remember, that others feel too and yours do not take precedent over their's. emotions are not a crutch, they are enabling so instead of leaning on them use them to rise up.
there is so much that i would like to talk with you about and i know we never will. maybe we'll be friends in a different lifetime. for now, all i can do is hope that you will be ok and you will find the love you are looking for and others will recognize the love in you.
be well.
p.s. if you allow yourself to love, you have the capacity for joy. you can find joy.
all about love, again
starting again.
opened up to page 207, chapter twelve, Healing: Redemptive Love.
someone marked it with a red leaf, kissed between the pages.
thanks.
used books. mmmmmm
opened up to page 207, chapter twelve, Healing: Redemptive Love.
someone marked it with a red leaf, kissed between the pages.
thanks.
used books. mmmmmm
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
my nom nom nom nori maki arare contemplation in a vague and not thought through yet nutshell
"ineradicable brownness" according to john okada half of me is ineradicabley brown. and if border policing and exclusive legislation based aon race nd confession programs are indicators of browness then the other half may apparently be a shade of brown as well. but can't take john okada's word for it....hmmmmm....
Monday, March 23, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
richard aoki
Thursday, February 26, 2009
for you
i'v been going up and around and down emotionally and i haven't been recording it. for now this is as much for me as it is for you. love you lil big sis.
This Too Shall Pass - India Arie
This Too Shall Pass - India Arie
Thursday, February 19, 2009
for my girls
Brown Eyes - Destinys Child
because your joys make me smile :)!
Girl - Destinys Child
cuz WE are always there <3
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
1, 2, 3...13
1. i'm going to start writing down little joys
2. i am going to incorporate a balloon into my juxtaposition photo project
3. i'm excited to go home for lots of reasons: sublist in no particular order
1. momma and dad
2. getting out of sd
3. ewocc
4. interview
5. taking pictures at home in the bay
6. home yummies
7. watchin tv with momma
8. friends
9. 3-day weekend!
10. comfort
2. i am going to incorporate a balloon into my juxtaposition photo project
3. i'm excited to go home for lots of reasons: sublist in no particular order
1. momma and dad
2. getting out of sd
3. ewocc
4. interview
5. taking pictures at home in the bay
6. home yummies
7. watchin tv with momma
8. friends
9. 3-day weekend!
10. comfort
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
wake up call
i haven't missed him in a long time. a long time meaning a matter of weeks, but still, that's a long time. now i miss him. ugh. after waking up by myself from a nap that was supposed to be 30 minutes but ended up being 3 times that- things don't always go as planned- i miss him. i miss being able to depend on someone to wake me up and have it done with love, not just obligation, to be woken up with hugs and warmth not just a shout from upstairs. don't get me wrong both work- well usually- but with the former i wake up refreshed and not angry, ready and not just looking forward to the next time i can close my eyes. it used to be if i didn't get up it was my fault for really wanting to stay in my dreamworld- of course dream and reality used to be a little bit more blurred then. i used to like being woken up by someone, there is a comfort in knowing that someone took the energy to watch the clock for you while you were lost in the timelessness of sleep. now i guess i'll hafta rely on myself instead, be the keeper of my own time whether my mind is resting or my eyes are open. too bad i've always had a terrible sense of time. *sigh
Sunday, January 25, 2009
interned
so i realized the other day as i was sitting in lisa lowe's intro to asian am lit class that if not for internment i would not exist. i realize that if not for a lot of things i would not have been the product of my parents, like if my mom had said no to my dad in december 1971 when he asked her to be his girlfriend, but it had never occurred to me that my maternal grandparent's entire relationship is so richly and unquestionably entangled in the barracks, despair, loss, shame, and dust of japanese/ja internment.
my grandfather is 6 years my grandmother's senior, i still have his jr. high yearbooks from topaz. my grandmother left for topaz on her 9th birthday, her head cocked to the right because of a childhood illness. 6 years is a big difference when you are nine. my grandma was in elementary school and my grandfather in jr. high. they never really crossed paths, her still unquestionably a child with only vague memories of the stuffing blankets and clothes in all the cracks in futile attempts to keep out the dust and seeing a ghost in the fire of the little black potbellied stove; and him being class president and voted "most likely to succeed" by his peers, thinking himself almost a man. my grandmother had met my grandfather's sister at camp but my grandmother never mentioned having ever met my grandfather before they were in richmond housing.
after getting out of camp my grandmother, along with my great-grandparents matsumoto and her 4 sisters, settled in salt lake city for a while, my great-grandfather attempting to buy a house there. somehow they got clearance to move into the richmond housing back in california, which was mostly reserved for JA WWII veterans and their famililes. it was there, at the age of 19, that my grandmother became pregnant with my uncle joey, my grandfather joe's first son. they were quickly married and 5 months after her 20th birthday, my grandmother gave birth to my mother on oct. 27th, 1953. just 3 weeks shy of exactly 33 years later, i was born.
so you see, without the racism and war hysteria that fueled internment, richmond housing would have never been set up and my grandparents would have never met. i guess that makes me a product of racism and war. it is of little wonder to me that my grandparents relationship was as battle-ridden, torn by razored tears and riddled with pain and fears as it was. what is amazing to me is how that violence ended there, how the razor wire rusted and shattered when my parents were just over 18- almost the same age as my grandmother when she married my grandfather- when another war raged for the ego and arrogance of the U.S. it is true then that war, family, and love are intertwined like the gnarled limbs of an old tree, the years' battles and triumphs as evident on the trunk as the newest green leaves are from this year's spring.
my grandfather is 6 years my grandmother's senior, i still have his jr. high yearbooks from topaz. my grandmother left for topaz on her 9th birthday, her head cocked to the right because of a childhood illness. 6 years is a big difference when you are nine. my grandma was in elementary school and my grandfather in jr. high. they never really crossed paths, her still unquestionably a child with only vague memories of the stuffing blankets and clothes in all the cracks in futile attempts to keep out the dust and seeing a ghost in the fire of the little black potbellied stove; and him being class president and voted "most likely to succeed" by his peers, thinking himself almost a man. my grandmother had met my grandfather's sister at camp but my grandmother never mentioned having ever met my grandfather before they were in richmond housing.
after getting out of camp my grandmother, along with my great-grandparents matsumoto and her 4 sisters, settled in salt lake city for a while, my great-grandfather attempting to buy a house there. somehow they got clearance to move into the richmond housing back in california, which was mostly reserved for JA WWII veterans and their famililes. it was there, at the age of 19, that my grandmother became pregnant with my uncle joey, my grandfather joe's first son. they were quickly married and 5 months after her 20th birthday, my grandmother gave birth to my mother on oct. 27th, 1953. just 3 weeks shy of exactly 33 years later, i was born.
so you see, without the racism and war hysteria that fueled internment, richmond housing would have never been set up and my grandparents would have never met. i guess that makes me a product of racism and war. it is of little wonder to me that my grandparents relationship was as battle-ridden, torn by razored tears and riddled with pain and fears as it was. what is amazing to me is how that violence ended there, how the razor wire rusted and shattered when my parents were just over 18- almost the same age as my grandmother when she married my grandfather- when another war raged for the ego and arrogance of the U.S. it is true then that war, family, and love are intertwined like the gnarled limbs of an old tree, the years' battles and triumphs as evident on the trunk as the newest green leaves are from this year's spring.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
tuesday night/wednesday morning epiphany
vulnerability is intimate and when someone is hurting we want to show them that we care. intimacy is a deep connection with someone else, an unpalpable binding. care can be shown through affection. affection can manifest physically. if one has been socialized to believe that care is affection, that affection must be shown physically, physical affection is sexual, and intimacy is played out through physical and sexual connection rather than the emotional, vulnerability can be met with sexual advances. vulnerability can be met with the violence of unwanted sexual advances. vulnerability does not invite violence. this socialization does not excuse this violence, it may be a factor in why it happens but ABSOLUTELY NOTHING excuses the taking advantage of someone's vulnerability. it does not excuse what they did to you, the pain, the confusion, the break of trust.
there is no wonder why vulnerability is so scary, why so many throw up barriers to intimacy. there is also no wonder why so much stregth can be found when one is vulnerable, when one can be completely open and at the mercy of another, at the mercy of the unknown, and thrive.
and damn, you're shining.
"shine' -estelle
there is no wonder why vulnerability is so scary, why so many throw up barriers to intimacy. there is also no wonder why so much stregth can be found when one is vulnerable, when one can be completely open and at the mercy of another, at the mercy of the unknown, and thrive.
and damn, you're shining.
"shine' -estelle
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
love lists
so people keep telling me that i should create a list of things i want to do before i die. it hurts that i feel like i can't do it, that i don't have any goals. for now my goal is to finish reading all about love. each chapter is like taking a deep breath, an inhale until my lungs feel as if they are going to burst and a release that leads to moments of emptiness. i need it but my asthmatic lungs make it laborious. i think i have come up with one thing for my life to do list though, to make a school of love. it sounds like a lame pick-up line out of context but for reals, we seem to have schools for everything else but none to teach how to love. i used to think that love was innate. i was wrong. love is learned. love is an ability, a skill. one like any other that must be practiced.
why does the word love seem so cliche? its name is over-used and it is under-practiced. how can a word be simultaneously constricting and freeing? ever-present and elusive?
goal: use less, practice often
"I, on the other hand, thought all my grown-up attempts to write love poems were mushy and pathetic. Words failed me when I tried to write about love. My thoughts seemed sentimental, silly, and superficial. When writing poetry in my girlhood, I had felt the same confidence I would come to see in my adult life only in male writers. When I first began to write poetry in girlhood, I thought love was the only topic, the most important passion..."
why does the word love seem so cliche? its name is over-used and it is under-practiced. how can a word be simultaneously constricting and freeing? ever-present and elusive?
goal: use less, practice often
"I, on the other hand, thought all my grown-up attempts to write love poems were mushy and pathetic. Words failed me when I tried to write about love. My thoughts seemed sentimental, silly, and superficial. When writing poetry in my girlhood, I had felt the same confidence I would come to see in my adult life only in male writers. When I first began to write poetry in girlhood, I thought love was the only topic, the most important passion..."
i think i got it
Fear of love
talking about love is revolutionary because it calls attention to the ways we are and are not loved. it calls attention to the violence and the pain. revealing those wounds reveals the ways in which we (womyn of color, queer etc) suffer from oppressions.
Lovelessness is the lack of understanding, care, affection, respect, communication (being heard/seen, not gazed at) and thus talking about love brings these voids under scrutiny, it challenges structures of power that cut us deeply and irrevocably change, create, and destroy us. talking about love is revolutionary because true love transforms, it too can forever change us, build us, and heal us. "we want to know love...We want to know what it means to love and to be loved"
talking about love is revolutionary because it calls attention to the ways we are and are not loved. it calls attention to the violence and the pain. revealing those wounds reveals the ways in which we (womyn of color, queer etc) suffer from oppressions.
Lovelessness is the lack of understanding, care, affection, respect, communication (being heard/seen, not gazed at) and thus talking about love brings these voids under scrutiny, it challenges structures of power that cut us deeply and irrevocably change, create, and destroy us. talking about love is revolutionary because true love transforms, it too can forever change us, build us, and heal us. "we want to know love...We want to know what it means to love and to be loved"
Sunday, January 18, 2009
sunny winters
at first i was upset that foggy days were eluding san diego but now i think i just resented the sun because i was stuck inside until it set behind all the buildings and trees of UCSD. most of my blogs so far have been quite melancholy. when i'm happy and busy i don't find time to blog whereas when i am depressed all i can seem to do is sit on my ass in front of the computer and get all my shit out in text so i can breathe again. so i guess a lag in blogging is a sign that i've been happy lately. i really have. this past week i have felt myself looking up more, smiling, playing. new blogs, hw not seeming too much like work, wit. bear garden, sushi ki, ESTELLE and JOHN LEGEND, ice skate queen cup fun, and late night skip it. pao pao PB photoshooting, yogurt and burger goodness. a sunlit home filled with chill friends relaxing. my life is glowing and i like the light.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
offerings
"...
And really, a lot of this poem is for me.
Who can't seem to learn how to be happy
But be willing to offer my deficiency to fill those who only feel half full
Cause this is all that I got
And my arms is all I got to offer
I know It's cliche as hell
But I can be here to catch you
So if you're falling,
Don't trip
Love,
I swear,
I got you."
- ruby excerpt "For the Fallen"
And really, a lot of this poem is for me.
Who can't seem to learn how to be happy
But be willing to offer my deficiency to fill those who only feel half full
Cause this is all that I got
And my arms is all I got to offer
I know It's cliche as hell
But I can be here to catch you
So if you're falling,
Don't trip
Love,
I swear,
I got you."
- ruby excerpt "For the Fallen"
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
rest in power
i don't know what i'm thinking or even what i'm feeling. violence in oakland is in the news again, though still now important enough to air outside of the bay area apparently. peaceful protests out of love, anger,ourage, sorrow over the shooting of 22-year old oscar grant III by recently resigned BART police officer johannes mehserle on new year's day at the fruitvale bart station and the failure of murder charges being filed against mehserle. some news stations are reporting a "fraction of protestors" have turned violent and others that it was a "splinter group." the violence and vandalism is now taking center stage in discussion of oscar grant's death not the lack of charges being brought against mehserle for shooting an unarmed man in the back at close range who, according to some witnesses, was lying down and pleading not to be tased.the news reports keep mentioning that no police officers were hurt but fail to say if any civilians have been injured.
there is just so much that needs to be talked about and i don't know where to begin. a young black man was shot by a BART police officer. grant was unarmed. he was cooperating with the police. his body was racialized as violent and dangerous. the lack of charges being brought against the officer renders his life expendable, his death justified. what if he were white? what if he was a woman? he was killed on the fruitvale BART station platform at night, in oakland. what if it was dublin/pleasanton? what if it were during the day? what if it wasn't new years?would it have turned out the same way? what if the call about the fight on the crowed train was between two middle aged white men, would it have ended the same? why did people need to mobilize to bring attention to his murder? what if???? why wasn't the public outcry at the loss of another young life listened to? a father's life? a son's life? a friend's life? why did ppl become violent? is that the only way despair and anger could be actualized? recognized? legitimized? can violence arise out of love? there are so many things and the white box i am writing isn't giving me answers. i don't know what to say, what to do. can i do anything? helpless. i hope. i hope for peace. it sounds so lame but i don't know another word. justice. violence to end. clarity of mind. acceptance. love. an avenue.
there is just so much that needs to be talked about and i don't know where to begin. a young black man was shot by a BART police officer. grant was unarmed. he was cooperating with the police. his body was racialized as violent and dangerous. the lack of charges being brought against the officer renders his life expendable, his death justified. what if he were white? what if he was a woman? he was killed on the fruitvale BART station platform at night, in oakland. what if it was dublin/pleasanton? what if it were during the day? what if it wasn't new years?would it have turned out the same way? what if the call about the fight on the crowed train was between two middle aged white men, would it have ended the same? why did people need to mobilize to bring attention to his murder? what if???? why wasn't the public outcry at the loss of another young life listened to? a father's life? a son's life? a friend's life? why did ppl become violent? is that the only way despair and anger could be actualized? recognized? legitimized? can violence arise out of love? there are so many things and the white box i am writing isn't giving me answers. i don't know what to say, what to do. can i do anything? helpless. i hope. i hope for peace. it sounds so lame but i don't know another word. justice. violence to end. clarity of mind. acceptance. love. an avenue.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
murky
the brightness of becoming is fading like the purple is to pink. ugh.
blurry horizons- morose- i feel ya
blurry horizons- morose- i feel ya
full break, full tummy, full of friends/family, fulfilled
i've never done so much in a winter break. they are usually spent lying around with mom and trish watchin re-runs of law and order svu and watching endless movies hiding from the bay area rain. this time around, dec. 20-jan. 1, necessitated that i change out of my pjs and don my peacoat.
20th: clubbin in the city, getting stuck on treasure island, sleep at 6:30am
21st: sleeping in until 3:30, rainy drive to san jo, pho hunting, eggrolls, almost hydroplaning on the way back to cv, late night convo with the family
22nd: lunch with my jr. 1st teacher (it's in between kindergarten and 1st), errands in berkeley for gma yoshiko, being asked if i was a lawyer (do i look like a lawyer??), thalassa with my lil stister (a win!) and denny's after (damn top dog for being closed!)
23rd: kickboxing, mimi's/barnes conversation/realization/exhalation, exhaustion, sleep
24th: kickboxing, putting together a popcorn machine, putting up the tree (hey it got up for xmas and that's what counts), other preparations for the mah side of the family xmas, driving gma home and being flipped off (that biker was really feeling the holiday spirit), rainy late night conversation
25th: XMAS!!! wrapping paper, tissue paper, baked brie, turkey, ham, great gma's cranberry sauce, kiddies, more wrapping paper and tissue paper, say cheese!, more kiddles, phone calls from a friend, SLEEP!
26th: kickboxing, major cleaning of the room, pao pao arrives!!, airport, getting dolled up, more presents, take-out chinese food, reclaiming the night, result: new friends and a a bruised/hopefully not broken little toe
27th: EMERALD BOWL!!!, VICTORY!!, la pinata (sf pt. I, well minus la pinata- that was hayward, see i kept my promise)
28th: see previous post: city on my face
29th: VEGAS!
30TH: VEGAS!= shopping and shows with the family
31ST:flight home, san jo, a delectible spread at janice's, courtesy of her momma (the almost bday girl), karaoke :D, puttin our clubness on, rainy drive to sf (thanks willard!), asia sf baby!!, champagne, dancing, more food <3, sleep @ 5??
1st: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!, filipino dramas :D, food, auntie's house, kiddies, more food, more kiddies, bingo, home
2nd:laziness ensues
3rd: laziness persists
4th: momma's stuffed french toast, DRIVE, avoiding the fact that school starts manana
AY-YAH!!
20th: clubbin in the city, getting stuck on treasure island, sleep at 6:30am
21st: sleeping in until 3:30, rainy drive to san jo, pho hunting, eggrolls, almost hydroplaning on the way back to cv, late night convo with the family
22nd: lunch with my jr. 1st teacher (it's in between kindergarten and 1st), errands in berkeley for gma yoshiko, being asked if i was a lawyer (do i look like a lawyer??), thalassa with my lil stister (a win!) and denny's after (damn top dog for being closed!)
23rd: kickboxing, mimi's/barnes conversation/realization/exhalation, exhaustion, sleep
24th: kickboxing, putting together a popcorn machine, putting up the tree (hey it got up for xmas and that's what counts), other preparations for the mah side of the family xmas, driving gma home and being flipped off (that biker was really feeling the holiday spirit), rainy late night conversation
25th: XMAS!!! wrapping paper, tissue paper, baked brie, turkey, ham, great gma's cranberry sauce, kiddies, more wrapping paper and tissue paper, say cheese!, more kiddles, phone calls from a friend, SLEEP!
26th: kickboxing, major cleaning of the room, pao pao arrives!!, airport, getting dolled up, more presents, take-out chinese food, reclaiming the night, result: new friends and a a bruised/hopefully not broken little toe
27th: EMERALD BOWL!!!, VICTORY!!, la pinata (sf pt. I, well minus la pinata- that was hayward, see i kept my promise)
28th: see previous post: city on my face
29th: VEGAS!
30TH: VEGAS!= shopping and shows with the family
31ST:flight home, san jo, a delectible spread at janice's, courtesy of her momma (the almost bday girl), karaoke :D, puttin our clubness on, rainy drive to sf (thanks willard!), asia sf baby!!, champagne, dancing, more food <3, sleep @ 5??
1st: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!, filipino dramas :D, food, auntie's house, kiddies, more food, more kiddies, bingo, home
2nd:laziness ensues
3rd: laziness persists
4th: momma's stuffed french toast, DRIVE, avoiding the fact that school starts manana
AY-YAH!!
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