old letter circa oct. 29-30, 2008 UNEDITED

A LETTER
TO YOU.
I WANT TO WRITE YOU A LETTER IN ALL CAPS.
THE CAPS MAKE ME WRITE SLOWER.
HOPEFULLY THE THOUGHTS DON'T STREAM TOO FAST.
I FOUND MY SECRET IN SOMEONE ELSE'S.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS MINE TIL I SAW IT.
I SENT IT TO YOU, DO YOU REMEMBER?
WHEN I FIRST SAW THE PICT I SWORE IT WAS US, THAT TIME WE WENT TO MONTEREY.
THE TIME YOU DIDN'T GET SICK.
IT'S TRUE, YOU KNOW, YOU WERE THE BEST FIRST EVERYTHING I COULD HAVE HAD, MORE THAN A FANTASY IMAGINED, A REALITY BEYOND BELIEF.
YOU GAVE ME A LOVE THAT NO ONE ELSE FULLY BELIEVES MOST TIMES.
A LOVE THAT PEOPLE THINK FICTITIOUS.
YOU WROTE TO ME ABOUT YOUR THOUGHTS, YOUR FEARS, YOUR JOYS AND EVEN THE HARD THINGS YOU COULDN'T SAY, ONLY WRITE.
YOU LOVED ME EVERY DAY WITHOUT FAIL.
YOU LET ME RAISE MY VOICE AND HURL AND HURT YOU WITH WORDS I KNEW WOULD HARM YOU.
YOU DIDN'T YELL BACK, HIT ME OR IGNORE ME. YOU JUST LISTENED UNTIL I STOPPED AND APOLOGIZED.
YOU JUST LOVED ME.
YOU NEVER HUNG UP ON ME. YOU ALWAYS CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
YOU NEVER FORCED ME TO DO ANYTHING I DIDN'T WANT TO DO OR DO SOMETHING ONLY FOR YOUR BENEFIT.
YOU SUPPORTED ME WHENEVER I NEEDED IT, EVEN WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I NEEDED IT.
YOU DID THE LITTLE THINGS THAT GAVE ME LITTLE JOYS LIKE PUT AFTER SHAVE ON, SHAVE AND WEAR SHIRTS I LIKED.
YOU FOUND ME CHOCOLATE WHEN I NEEDED IT AND DROVE ME TO FULFILL MY CRAVINGS, HOWEVER ABSTRACT.
YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME YOUR TRUTHS AND LISTENED TO MINE.
YOU CARED WHAT I HAD TO SHARE EVEN IF IT WASN'T SOMETHING YOU WOULD OTHERWISE BE INTERESTED IN.
YOU PLAYED.
WE LAUGHED.
YOU WARMED UP MY SIDE OF THE BED SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO FEEL THE COLD OF WINTER BEDSHEETS.
YOU TOLD ME WHAT MADE YOU HAPPY,
YOU TOLD ME I WAS BEAUTIFUL AND MEANT IT EVERY TIME.
YOU PAID ATTENTION TO THE LITTLE THINGS, THE THINGS I SAID IN PASSING.
YOU MADE ME FEEL SAFE.
YOU MADE ME FEEL LOVED,
YOU LOVED ME.
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY BUT THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING, THANK YOU FOR BEING THE YOU THAT YOU ARE. THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME.
YOU REMINDED ME I AM WORTH SOMETHING PRECIOUS.
YOU ARE MY FIRST LOVE. MY FIRST EVERYTHING.
I LOVE YOU STILL.
I LOVE YOU ALWAYS.
- ME

real girl

Real Girl - Mutya Buena

well not exactly but i'm getting there.

murky

the brightness of becoming is fading like the purple is to pink. ugh.

blurry horizons- morose- i feel ya