Love is Easy. Relationships are Hard.
by Kelly Zen-Yie Tsai
If the timing is right. If the communication
is clear. If the desires are the same. If the
geography can be condensed. If the eating
habits are compatible. If the sleep schedule
can be arranged. If the friends are not trifling.
If the exes are not crazy. If the toilet bowl stays
scrubbed. If the taxes are paid. If the credit isn't
shot. If the papers are legit. If the addictions are
handled. If the life dreams are pursued. If the phone
can be picked up. If the families are friendly
enough. If the jealousy can be reigned in. If the hygiene
is on point. If the changes can be trusted. If the punches
aren't thrown. If the insults are neutralized. If the jobs
stay steady. If the passion reinvigorates itself. If the
religious practices don't desecrate each other. If the lies
recede to truth. If the truth stays off Facebook and
Twitter...and MySpace. If the Skype doesn't malfunction.
If the childhood trauma heals. If the teen trauma heals.
If the young adult trauma heals. If the middle-aged trauma
heals. If the sociopolitical worlds settle. If the grudges
are finally let go...
If we can do it (just this one time) for the love.
this is SO true for all relationships...and so concise! :)
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Monday, June 14, 2010
A Pipetting Poem for Flizz/My last day at Youth Speaks
She fears Cardiac arrest for the rest of the beats in her heart, whose pace doesn’t yield to its maker
She pipettes the pieces of her heart into Petri dishes
Carefully
Making sure all cells are accounted for
Separating the broken pieces
Assessing their dysfunction
Disinfecting the diseases of her heart
She finds she must have pediatric heart dysfunction
The belief in heteronormative happily ever after since age 3, a clear symptom
Specifically the problem is in the valves
The parts giving rise to movement and stirring the passion and purpose in her blood stream
Aspirating the debris of the passion dead in her veins
She removes the strained trust of long distance and endless thoughts of, “What if?”
She untangles the half-knotted truths and sweeps up the shattered promises cutting away at the flesh
As she tends to the malignant maladies of her heart, she looks for what made it work:
Digital pores purposeful in touch
Fingertips curled like twin fishing hooks tugging at heartstrings reverberating 90s slow jams
The brush of his chapped lips on her sun browned shoulder that summer night in Coronado
And the closeness of his exhale on her neck as she cradled him in sleep when her eyes sought him instead of rest
Everyday she nurses a bioengineer’s ridiculous obsession with love
Pipetting pieces of her heart
Re-growing herself in Petri dishes
She pipettes the pieces of her heart into Petri dishes
Carefully
Making sure all cells are accounted for
Separating the broken pieces
Assessing their dysfunction
Disinfecting the diseases of her heart
She finds she must have pediatric heart dysfunction
The belief in heteronormative happily ever after since age 3, a clear symptom
Specifically the problem is in the valves
The parts giving rise to movement and stirring the passion and purpose in her blood stream
Aspirating the debris of the passion dead in her veins
She removes the strained trust of long distance and endless thoughts of, “What if?”
She untangles the half-knotted truths and sweeps up the shattered promises cutting away at the flesh
As she tends to the malignant maladies of her heart, she looks for what made it work:
Digital pores purposeful in touch
Fingertips curled like twin fishing hooks tugging at heartstrings reverberating 90s slow jams
The brush of his chapped lips on her sun browned shoulder that summer night in Coronado
And the closeness of his exhale on her neck as she cradled him in sleep when her eyes sought him instead of rest
Everyday she nurses a bioengineer’s ridiculous obsession with love
Pipetting pieces of her heart
Re-growing herself in Petri dishes
Sunday, March 7, 2010
old letter circa oct. 29-30, 2008 UNEDITED
A LETTER
TO YOU.
I WANT TO WRITE YOU A LETTER IN ALL CAPS.
THE CAPS MAKE ME WRITE SLOWER.
HOPEFULLY THE THOUGHTS DON'T STREAM TOO FAST.
I FOUND MY SECRET IN SOMEONE ELSE'S.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS MINE TIL I SAW IT.
I SENT IT TO YOU, DO YOU REMEMBER?
WHEN I FIRST SAW THE PICT I SWORE IT WAS US, THAT TIME WE WENT TO MONTEREY.
THE TIME YOU DIDN'T GET SICK.
IT'S TRUE, YOU KNOW, YOU WERE THE BEST FIRST EVERYTHING I COULD HAVE HAD, MORE THAN A FANTASY IMAGINED, A REALITY BEYOND BELIEF.
YOU GAVE ME A LOVE THAT NO ONE ELSE FULLY BELIEVES MOST TIMES.
A LOVE THAT PEOPLE THINK FICTITIOUS.
YOU WROTE TO ME ABOUT YOUR THOUGHTS, YOUR FEARS, YOUR JOYS AND EVEN THE HARD THINGS YOU COULDN'T SAY, ONLY WRITE.
YOU LOVED ME EVERY DAY WITHOUT FAIL.
YOU LET ME RAISE MY VOICE AND HURL AND HURT YOU WITH WORDS I KNEW WOULD HARM YOU.
YOU DIDN'T YELL BACK, HIT ME OR IGNORE ME. YOU JUST LISTENED UNTIL I STOPPED AND APOLOGIZED.
YOU JUST LOVED ME.
YOU NEVER HUNG UP ON ME. YOU ALWAYS CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
YOU NEVER FORCED ME TO DO ANYTHING I DIDN'T WANT TO DO OR DO SOMETHING ONLY FOR YOUR BENEFIT.
YOU SUPPORTED ME WHENEVER I NEEDED IT, EVEN WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I NEEDED IT.
YOU DID THE LITTLE THINGS THAT GAVE ME LITTLE JOYS LIKE PUT AFTER SHAVE ON, SHAVE AND WEAR SHIRTS I LIKED.
YOU FOUND ME CHOCOLATE WHEN I NEEDED IT AND DROVE ME TO FULFILL MY CRAVINGS, HOWEVER ABSTRACT.
YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME YOUR TRUTHS AND LISTENED TO MINE.
YOU CARED WHAT I HAD TO SHARE EVEN IF IT WASN'T SOMETHING YOU WOULD OTHERWISE BE INTERESTED IN.
YOU PLAYED.
WE LAUGHED.
YOU WARMED UP MY SIDE OF THE BED SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO FEEL THE COLD OF WINTER BEDSHEETS.
YOU TOLD ME WHAT MADE YOU HAPPY,
YOU TOLD ME I WAS BEAUTIFUL AND MEANT IT EVERY TIME.
YOU PAID ATTENTION TO THE LITTLE THINGS, THE THINGS I SAID IN PASSING.
YOU MADE ME FEEL SAFE.
YOU MADE ME FEEL LOVED,
YOU LOVED ME.
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY BUT THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING, THANK YOU FOR BEING THE YOU THAT YOU ARE. THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME.
YOU REMINDED ME I AM WORTH SOMETHING PRECIOUS.
YOU ARE MY FIRST LOVE. MY FIRST EVERYTHING.
I LOVE YOU STILL.
I LOVE YOU ALWAYS.
- ME
TO YOU.
I WANT TO WRITE YOU A LETTER IN ALL CAPS.
THE CAPS MAKE ME WRITE SLOWER.
HOPEFULLY THE THOUGHTS DON'T STREAM TOO FAST.
I FOUND MY SECRET IN SOMEONE ELSE'S.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS MINE TIL I SAW IT.
I SENT IT TO YOU, DO YOU REMEMBER?
WHEN I FIRST SAW THE PICT I SWORE IT WAS US, THAT TIME WE WENT TO MONTEREY.
THE TIME YOU DIDN'T GET SICK.
IT'S TRUE, YOU KNOW, YOU WERE THE BEST FIRST EVERYTHING I COULD HAVE HAD, MORE THAN A FANTASY IMAGINED, A REALITY BEYOND BELIEF.
YOU GAVE ME A LOVE THAT NO ONE ELSE FULLY BELIEVES MOST TIMES.
A LOVE THAT PEOPLE THINK FICTITIOUS.
YOU WROTE TO ME ABOUT YOUR THOUGHTS, YOUR FEARS, YOUR JOYS AND EVEN THE HARD THINGS YOU COULDN'T SAY, ONLY WRITE.
YOU LOVED ME EVERY DAY WITHOUT FAIL.
YOU LET ME RAISE MY VOICE AND HURL AND HURT YOU WITH WORDS I KNEW WOULD HARM YOU.
YOU DIDN'T YELL BACK, HIT ME OR IGNORE ME. YOU JUST LISTENED UNTIL I STOPPED AND APOLOGIZED.
YOU JUST LOVED ME.
YOU NEVER HUNG UP ON ME. YOU ALWAYS CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
YOU NEVER FORCED ME TO DO ANYTHING I DIDN'T WANT TO DO OR DO SOMETHING ONLY FOR YOUR BENEFIT.
YOU SUPPORTED ME WHENEVER I NEEDED IT, EVEN WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I NEEDED IT.
YOU DID THE LITTLE THINGS THAT GAVE ME LITTLE JOYS LIKE PUT AFTER SHAVE ON, SHAVE AND WEAR SHIRTS I LIKED.
YOU FOUND ME CHOCOLATE WHEN I NEEDED IT AND DROVE ME TO FULFILL MY CRAVINGS, HOWEVER ABSTRACT.
YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME YOUR TRUTHS AND LISTENED TO MINE.
YOU CARED WHAT I HAD TO SHARE EVEN IF IT WASN'T SOMETHING YOU WOULD OTHERWISE BE INTERESTED IN.
YOU PLAYED.
WE LAUGHED.
YOU WARMED UP MY SIDE OF THE BED SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO FEEL THE COLD OF WINTER BEDSHEETS.
YOU TOLD ME WHAT MADE YOU HAPPY,
YOU TOLD ME I WAS BEAUTIFUL AND MEANT IT EVERY TIME.
YOU PAID ATTENTION TO THE LITTLE THINGS, THE THINGS I SAID IN PASSING.
YOU MADE ME FEEL SAFE.
YOU MADE ME FEEL LOVED,
YOU LOVED ME.
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY BUT THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING, THANK YOU FOR BEING THE YOU THAT YOU ARE. THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME.
YOU REMINDED ME I AM WORTH SOMETHING PRECIOUS.
YOU ARE MY FIRST LOVE. MY FIRST EVERYTHING.
I LOVE YOU STILL.
I LOVE YOU ALWAYS.
- ME
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
#11 hug
January 16, 2010 · Filed under Uncategorized
dear you,
you give good hugs.
what i mean is that when you and i hug, we fit. my height seems to fit your height. my cheek rest comfortably in the nook between your chest and your shoulder. my arms fit around your waist, as your arms drape over my hips where your hands cup the slope of the lower curve of my back.
sometimes, you would take a deep breath, say that my hair smells good and touch your cheek to my temple.
we are a two puzzle pieces, you and i. at least when we hug.
i never told you this but i can hear our heartbeats synchronize, whether yours slows the pace or mine quickens.
or, if we are deep in conversation and i can’t hear the beats, i notice our breaths will start to match, the rise and descent of our chest.
and the laughter.
i never had anybody’s hug fit me as well as your have.
but maybe i am putting way too much emphasis on this thought.
i miss you
-alfie ebojo
http://bubbleblower.wordpress.com/2010/01/16/11-hug/
looking for the right fit.
January 16, 2010 · Filed under Uncategorized
dear you,
you give good hugs.
what i mean is that when you and i hug, we fit. my height seems to fit your height. my cheek rest comfortably in the nook between your chest and your shoulder. my arms fit around your waist, as your arms drape over my hips where your hands cup the slope of the lower curve of my back.
sometimes, you would take a deep breath, say that my hair smells good and touch your cheek to my temple.
we are a two puzzle pieces, you and i. at least when we hug.
i never told you this but i can hear our heartbeats synchronize, whether yours slows the pace or mine quickens.
or, if we are deep in conversation and i can’t hear the beats, i notice our breaths will start to match, the rise and descent of our chest.
and the laughter.
i never had anybody’s hug fit me as well as your have.
but maybe i am putting way too much emphasis on this thought.
i miss you
-alfie ebojo
http://bubbleblower.wordpress.com/2010/01/16/11-hug/
looking for the right fit.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
on momma's day in no particular order
one: i think i lost my best friend all over again
two: i am trying to survive with living life with chronic hyper-empathy
three: i miss my momma
A Song For Mama - Boyz II Men
two: i am trying to survive with living life with chronic hyper-empathy
three: i miss my momma
A Song For Mama - Boyz II Men
Thursday, April 9, 2009
if we were friends this is what i would say
if we were friends this is what i would say to you.
remember, there are people who love you even if you sometimes don't show them love in a way they recognize or understand or don't show them any at all. they love you because they give you bonus points even if you don't give them any. and there are people who don't love you but they love the cause, the community. so ask for help. no one can do it on their own. there is no community without others and love is hard if it's only one way. no matter how much you think you are alone, you aren't. no matter how much loneliness creeps in, especially when darkness surrounds you, a hand is still held out and even though you can't see it in the darkness, feel for it, it's there. when you don;t hear from friends listen to the silence, maybe silence is the only way they can tell you something. but don't use that as an excuse not to ask for help or explain with words how you feel or what is going on to them because maybe, like you, silence's meanings evade them.
remember, to feel is to live and to feel deeply is to live freely. remember, that others feel too and yours do not take precedent over their's. emotions are not a crutch, they are enabling so instead of leaning on them use them to rise up.
there is so much that i would like to talk with you about and i know we never will. maybe we'll be friends in a different lifetime. for now, all i can do is hope that you will be ok and you will find the love you are looking for and others will recognize the love in you.
be well.
p.s. if you allow yourself to love, you have the capacity for joy. you can find joy.
remember, there are people who love you even if you sometimes don't show them love in a way they recognize or understand or don't show them any at all. they love you because they give you bonus points even if you don't give them any. and there are people who don't love you but they love the cause, the community. so ask for help. no one can do it on their own. there is no community without others and love is hard if it's only one way. no matter how much you think you are alone, you aren't. no matter how much loneliness creeps in, especially when darkness surrounds you, a hand is still held out and even though you can't see it in the darkness, feel for it, it's there. when you don;t hear from friends listen to the silence, maybe silence is the only way they can tell you something. but don't use that as an excuse not to ask for help or explain with words how you feel or what is going on to them because maybe, like you, silence's meanings evade them.
remember, to feel is to live and to feel deeply is to live freely. remember, that others feel too and yours do not take precedent over their's. emotions are not a crutch, they are enabling so instead of leaning on them use them to rise up.
there is so much that i would like to talk with you about and i know we never will. maybe we'll be friends in a different lifetime. for now, all i can do is hope that you will be ok and you will find the love you are looking for and others will recognize the love in you.
be well.
p.s. if you allow yourself to love, you have the capacity for joy. you can find joy.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
sunny winters
at first i was upset that foggy days were eluding san diego but now i think i just resented the sun because i was stuck inside until it set behind all the buildings and trees of UCSD. most of my blogs so far have been quite melancholy. when i'm happy and busy i don't find time to blog whereas when i am depressed all i can seem to do is sit on my ass in front of the computer and get all my shit out in text so i can breathe again. so i guess a lag in blogging is a sign that i've been happy lately. i really have. this past week i have felt myself looking up more, smiling, playing. new blogs, hw not seeming too much like work, wit. bear garden, sushi ki, ESTELLE and JOHN LEGEND, ice skate queen cup fun, and late night skip it. pao pao PB photoshooting, yogurt and burger goodness. a sunlit home filled with chill friends relaxing. my life is glowing and i like the light.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
offerings
"...
And really, a lot of this poem is for me.
Who can't seem to learn how to be happy
But be willing to offer my deficiency to fill those who only feel half full
Cause this is all that I got
And my arms is all I got to offer
I know It's cliche as hell
But I can be here to catch you
So if you're falling,
Don't trip
Love,
I swear,
I got you."
- ruby excerpt "For the Fallen"
And really, a lot of this poem is for me.
Who can't seem to learn how to be happy
But be willing to offer my deficiency to fill those who only feel half full
Cause this is all that I got
And my arms is all I got to offer
I know It's cliche as hell
But I can be here to catch you
So if you're falling,
Don't trip
Love,
I swear,
I got you."
- ruby excerpt "For the Fallen"
Sunday, January 4, 2009
murky
the brightness of becoming is fading like the purple is to pink. ugh.
blurry horizons- morose- i feel ya
blurry horizons- morose- i feel ya
full break, full tummy, full of friends/family, fulfilled
i've never done so much in a winter break. they are usually spent lying around with mom and trish watchin re-runs of law and order svu and watching endless movies hiding from the bay area rain. this time around, dec. 20-jan. 1, necessitated that i change out of my pjs and don my peacoat.
20th: clubbin in the city, getting stuck on treasure island, sleep at 6:30am
21st: sleeping in until 3:30, rainy drive to san jo, pho hunting, eggrolls, almost hydroplaning on the way back to cv, late night convo with the family
22nd: lunch with my jr. 1st teacher (it's in between kindergarten and 1st), errands in berkeley for gma yoshiko, being asked if i was a lawyer (do i look like a lawyer??), thalassa with my lil stister (a win!) and denny's after (damn top dog for being closed!)
23rd: kickboxing, mimi's/barnes conversation/realization/exhalation, exhaustion, sleep
24th: kickboxing, putting together a popcorn machine, putting up the tree (hey it got up for xmas and that's what counts), other preparations for the mah side of the family xmas, driving gma home and being flipped off (that biker was really feeling the holiday spirit), rainy late night conversation
25th: XMAS!!! wrapping paper, tissue paper, baked brie, turkey, ham, great gma's cranberry sauce, kiddies, more wrapping paper and tissue paper, say cheese!, more kiddles, phone calls from a friend, SLEEP!
26th: kickboxing, major cleaning of the room, pao pao arrives!!, airport, getting dolled up, more presents, take-out chinese food, reclaiming the night, result: new friends and a a bruised/hopefully not broken little toe
27th: EMERALD BOWL!!!, VICTORY!!, la pinata (sf pt. I, well minus la pinata- that was hayward, see i kept my promise)
28th: see previous post: city on my face
29th: VEGAS!
30TH: VEGAS!= shopping and shows with the family
31ST:flight home, san jo, a delectible spread at janice's, courtesy of her momma (the almost bday girl), karaoke :D, puttin our clubness on, rainy drive to sf (thanks willard!), asia sf baby!!, champagne, dancing, more food <3, sleep @ 5??
1st: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!, filipino dramas :D, food, auntie's house, kiddies, more food, more kiddies, bingo, home
2nd:laziness ensues
3rd: laziness persists
4th: momma's stuffed french toast, DRIVE, avoiding the fact that school starts manana
AY-YAH!!
20th: clubbin in the city, getting stuck on treasure island, sleep at 6:30am
21st: sleeping in until 3:30, rainy drive to san jo, pho hunting, eggrolls, almost hydroplaning on the way back to cv, late night convo with the family
22nd: lunch with my jr. 1st teacher (it's in between kindergarten and 1st), errands in berkeley for gma yoshiko, being asked if i was a lawyer (do i look like a lawyer??), thalassa with my lil stister (a win!) and denny's after (damn top dog for being closed!)
23rd: kickboxing, mimi's/barnes conversation/realization/exhalation, exhaustion, sleep
24th: kickboxing, putting together a popcorn machine, putting up the tree (hey it got up for xmas and that's what counts), other preparations for the mah side of the family xmas, driving gma home and being flipped off (that biker was really feeling the holiday spirit), rainy late night conversation
25th: XMAS!!! wrapping paper, tissue paper, baked brie, turkey, ham, great gma's cranberry sauce, kiddies, more wrapping paper and tissue paper, say cheese!, more kiddles, phone calls from a friend, SLEEP!
26th: kickboxing, major cleaning of the room, pao pao arrives!!, airport, getting dolled up, more presents, take-out chinese food, reclaiming the night, result: new friends and a a bruised/hopefully not broken little toe
27th: EMERALD BOWL!!!, VICTORY!!, la pinata (sf pt. I, well minus la pinata- that was hayward, see i kept my promise)
28th: see previous post: city on my face
29th: VEGAS!
30TH: VEGAS!= shopping and shows with the family
31ST:flight home, san jo, a delectible spread at janice's, courtesy of her momma (the almost bday girl), karaoke :D, puttin our clubness on, rainy drive to sf (thanks willard!), asia sf baby!!, champagne, dancing, more food <3, sleep @ 5??
1st: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!, filipino dramas :D, food, auntie's house, kiddies, more food, more kiddies, bingo, home
2nd:laziness ensues
3rd: laziness persists
4th: momma's stuffed french toast, DRIVE, avoiding the fact that school starts manana
AY-YAH!!
Friday, December 26, 2008
a good december
decembers have always been good to me. xmas was always complete family time: xmas eve with dad's side sometimes lacking a tree if my crazy auntie was hosting but always good food and family, xmas morning with the immediate family- constantly comparing gifts with my sister, and xmas dinner/night with mom's side- more recently with a bunch of little kiddies runnin around. then december became a month of anniversaries to add to the joyous season. anniversaries that were celebrated until this december. this was supposed to be the hardest month to get through with dead anniversaries and new reunions. but it has turned out to be one that i will always remember with a smile and nostalgic tears. this is all thanks to the homies who got me out and listened when we were in and the family who were always a quiet support offering up excuses to get me out of potential situations where an out might be needed. it has become a month of validation by everyone in my life, even those only there for fleeting moments and from the moments of little cousins fighting to sit in my lap and wanting me to be the only one to help open presents and relatives wanting me to sign my photos.
last night 5 years ago i stayed up all night talking on the phone at the cusp of a love i no longer have and thus i believed the ugliness of grief would squeeze sorrow from my eyes 5 years later. but instead i stayed up until the wee hours of the morning with old friends with the rain as the only water falling. today i anticipated brought in with tears and loneliness and instead it has begun with a late night/early morning phone call with a much loved and beautiful friend. i can't wait for the sun to rise (even if it is hidden by some much needed rain clouds) today. it is going to be a good day. it is a good december.
last night 5 years ago i stayed up all night talking on the phone at the cusp of a love i no longer have and thus i believed the ugliness of grief would squeeze sorrow from my eyes 5 years later. but instead i stayed up until the wee hours of the morning with old friends with the rain as the only water falling. today i anticipated brought in with tears and loneliness and instead it has begun with a late night/early morning phone call with a much loved and beautiful friend. i can't wait for the sun to rise (even if it is hidden by some much needed rain clouds) today. it is going to be a good day. it is a good december.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
wins
old friends and foes, new friends made. no drama. laughing until my face hurts. heartland scramble WITH pancakes. i win. no one loses. :)
today is the day. i dunno what to feel. i hope it's another win where no one loses. breathe. it is everything we are looking for.
today is the day. i dunno what to feel. i hope it's another win where no one loses. breathe. it is everything we are looking for.
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